Sunday, October 15, 2017

crippling anxiety

I have crippling anxiety. I can do many things to try to hold it at bay, but it seems to lurk around every corner, especially lately. I speak scripture, I pray, I clean, I do things for others. I read or watch a movie. Some of this helps, much of it doesn't. It happens for no reason, sometimes fear of the unknown, loneliness, being ill, even boredom . It causes me to shake, vomit, feel like I'm dying, heart racing and more. I cry and have a hard time functioning. Anxiety has caused me to be a bad friend; I've broken my word. I appear to be a person you cannot count on. I've crawled under the covers waiting for the terror to pass, which it eventually does, days or weeks later. I'm extremely blessed, in many ways. I know that, more than is deserved. Anxiety does not care. It likes to remind me how much I've suffered in this life, how much more I might yet suffer, as if this life is all about me. It's not. I've felt as if I were going crazy, was useless, even suicidal. If you have generalized anxiety disorder, with panic attacks, then you'll understand this post. It's been tough to write. I used to scoff at people who couldn't leave their homes. How could fear control them so much? I've had my eyes opened. How blind, uncaring, and unkind. I've heard that "your misery is your ministry". There must be a blessing in this for someone else. Lord, help me find it! Let my life honor you, and you alone!

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Grammy Rose | I Divorced Him

Anxiety

I started my job 2 weeks ago.  Anxiety has always been such an issue with me, especially with the unknowns.  I had a tough first week and just wanted to go home and hide under the covers.  However, I had a retreat that I had planned to go to, last Friday.  I really didn't think I would make it there, because I was having such anxiety.  I cried the whole way down there.  I was sad about my mom dying and about what's his face, but I was determined to push through my anxiety.  I'm certainly glad I did.  I experienced a most beautiful weekend, growing closer to God and my church friends.  Here are some photo's of where we stayed.







I decided allot of things last weekend.  I felt like I grew and I came with a deep peace that is still there.  I still get anxious, but I pray through those feelings.  It's helped tremendously.  
I'm posting a video soon, just letting all my followers know what has happened and how I am.  
XO Rose

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Battlefield

...am in such a battlefield for my mind and heart.  It's so difficult not to feel sorry for myself.  I think about all the bad things he's done, and continues to do.  But he's texting and lying, and manipulating me.  And I'm letting him.  It's made me so anxious and miserable.  And I know better. 
Why should I even care what he's doing when he's done what he's done, and is still doing?  And the lies. All the time.
I just can't do this anymore.

My son was here tonight to help me with a dryer issue.  I cried when he left because I'm so lonely.  It's hard not to feel sorry for myself.

But these thoughts aren't from God.  That behavior isn't Godly.  Oh how the enemy tries to blind me from the truth.  God's got my back.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

life goes on...

...woke up, went to an appointment, came home and took a quick nap.  Woke up 5 hours later.  I do not know how that happened.  Didn't get much accomplished today; and church in the morning. 
My best friend's little sister passed away.  I remember her as being the kid sister always tagging along.  She was a nice girl, and she later had a very difficult life.  She was really loved by everyone.  It's hard to believe it's happened. 
I'm at the age, where I'm watching people around me pass away.  My two uncles recently passed.  Other childhood friends.  It's hard to understand, when there is no sickness or reason. 
I know that God has a plan.  I know that his ways are not ours.  I know that I cannot comprehend his infinite wisdom.  I know and believe and have seen him make beauty from ashes.  I know that he knows best and I trust that.
But sometimes it's hard to understand things.

Friday, September 22, 2017

This alone thing...

...am trucking on.
There certainly are benefits to being alone.  I can be completely selfish with my choices in dinner and tv programming, without feeling guilty!  I don't have to shower.  I don't have to wash other people's underwear.  There are benefits.

I'm figuring out Rose.  I've held so many roles in my life.  I've worn many hats.  I've been: abused, neglected, unloved, unwanted, a child of divorce, molested, lost, married, cheated on, divorced, a single mother, cheated on again, divorced again, a single grandmother...I've lied, cheated, hated, manipulated and have stolen time and resources.  I'm figuring out Rose.

I am also loved, trusted, treasured and cherished by my Heavenly Father.  How can all of these factors align?  How can someone completely unlovable be completely loved? I cannot unravel this mystery and I suppose this is a gift waiting for me in Heaven; one of many questions that will be a answered.  Or perhaps not.  Perhaps, I will not have to ask my questions, but will just be blessed to 'know' the answers.  These are the things I look forward to.

In the meantime, nothing matters but to glorify God; to live to tell others of Christ, and to let the Holy Spirit be revealed through me.  This is my prayer.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Please...

forgive my last post.  I get to feeling sorry for myself, when I know better.  I know that I am so very blessed.  Besides having my Lord Jesus, I am surrounded by family and friends who love me.  Sometimes it gets to be a bit too much, and it's then that I need to start counting my blessings.
X Rose O